Working on our marriages

"Everybody has heard the saying, it takes two to tango, right? Many take that to mean that both people have to take dance lessons to do it right. But what it really means is, if just one person learns some new steps, some new moves if you will, and does something differently, the whole dance can change.
Let me tell you a real-life example that just happened the other day. We heard from one of our email list members, Charlie. He’d read a few of our articles, watched a few of our videos and was considering buying the System. He wanted it because he and his wife, Cindy, had been fighting over a messy house for over 20 years. He’s a neat freak and she apparently is a bit of a slob. So, his way of dealing with this was to go to work all day, come home and complain about the house -- pretty much making Cindy feel lousy about herself until they went to bed.
There was a glitch, though. Charlie told us that Cindy, was working all day and taking care of their four kids and she had no interest in putting one more thing on her plate. In other words, she wasn’t willing at this time to try out the Save My Marriage System with him. We assured him that just one person applying the lessons can make a big difference. He went ahead and bought the System and later contacted us. He told us that after watching the sections on Understanding Each Other and Resolving Conflict, he had decided to change his approach. He stopped complaining and blaming and took the time to find out what was really going on with Cindy. As you can imagine, she was more than happy to tell him! Turns out that Cindy had all kinds of reasons for not cleaning the house, some from her childhood, some based on her and Charlie’s relationship, and some just out of sheer exhaustion.
Once Charlie figured this out and what was really going on with Cindy, two things happened. One, he stepped up and started helping a lot more, but more importantly, Cindy stepped up once she felt like Charlie really understood her. Miraculously, Charlie reports that the house is clean today. On a side note, when this was so effective, Cindy did finally actually agree to use the System. So what’s the moral of the story, one person learning a new skill and changing their behavior, changing their steps, if you will, can dramatically change the dance."

As Ghandi said “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Got this story here

"Marriage is both a commandment and an exalting principle of the gospel. ^{(Joseph Fielding Smith)} Because it is ordained of God, the intimate physical expressions of married love are sacred. Yet all too commonly, these divine gifts are desecrated. If a couple allows lewd language or pornography to corrupt their intimacy, they offend their Creator while they degrade and diminish their own divine gifts. True happiness is predicated upon personal purity. ^{(Alma 41:10)} Scripture commands: “Be ye clean.” ^{(D&C 38:42;Isa. 52:11; 3 Ne. 20:41; D&C 133:5,)} Marriage should ever be a covenant to lift husbands and wives to exaltation in celestial glory."

"As I meet with priesthood leaders, I often ask about the priorities of their various responsibilities. Usually they mention their important Church duties to which they have been called. Too few remember their responsibilities at home. Yet priesthood offices, keys, callings, and quorums are meant to exalt families. ^{(D&C 23:3)} Priesthood authority has been restored so that families can be sealed eternally. So brethren, your foremost priesthood duty is to nurture your marriage—to care for, respect, honor, and love your wife. Be a blessing to her and your children."

"appreciate, to communicate, and to contemplate."

"...As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described in those compliments."

"Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners."

" If couples contemplate often—with each other in the temple—sacred covenants will be better remembered and kept. Frequent participation in temple service and regular family scripture study nourish a marriage and strengthen faith within a family."

"Above all, do not be selfish! Generate a spirit of selflessness and generosity. Celebrate and commemorate each day together as a treasured gift from heaven."

Nurturing Marriage

Russell M. Nelson
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Celestial Marriage

"The importance of choice may be illustrated by a homespun concept that came to mind one day when I was shopping in a large retail store. I call it “patterns of the shopper.” As shopping is part of our daily life, these patterns may be familiar.

Wise shoppers study their options thoroughly before they make a selection. They focus primarily on the quality and durability of a desired product. They want the very best. In contrast, some shoppers look for bargains, and others may splurge, only to learn later—much to their dismay—that their choice did not endure well. And sadly, there are those rare individuals who cast aside their personal integrity and steal what they want. We call them shoplifters.

The patterns of the shopper may be applied to the topic of marriage. A couple in love can choose a marriage of the highest quality or a lesser type that will not endure. Or they can choose neither and brazenly steal what they want as “marital shoplifters.”"

"...marriage between a man and a woman is sacred—it is ordained of God. ^{(D&C 49:15–17)} I also assert the virtue of a temple marriage. It is the highest and most enduring type of marriage that our Creator can offer to His children."

"...salvation is an individual matter, exaltation is a family matter. ^{(Russell M. Nelson)} Only those who are married in the temple and whose marriage is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise will continue as spouses after death ^{(D&C 76:53; 132:7)} and receive the highest degree of celestial glory, or exaltation."

"...our Heavenly Father has restored priesthood keys in this dispensation so that essential ordinances in His plan can be performed by proper authority."

"...[Heavenly Father’s great] plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.” ^{(Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102)"}

^"...proclamation on the family helps us realize that celestial marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other relationship. (“Nurturing Marriage,”) ^"

^"...“it is lawful that [a man] should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh..."

"...“the man [is not] without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” ^{(1 Corinthians 11:11)} Thus, marriage is not only an exalting principle of the gospel; it is a divine commandment."

"...To qualify for eternal life, we must make an eternal and everlasting covenant with our Heavenly Father. ^{(D&C 132:19)} This means that a temple marriage is not only between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. ^{(Matthew 19:6)"}

^"...“husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.” ^{(Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102)} Children born of that union are “an heritage of the Lord.” ^{(Psalm 127:3)} When a family is sealed in the temple, that family may become as eternal as the kingdom of God itself. ^{(D&C 132:19–20) "}

 "...mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in a marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concerted effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness."

“To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy.” ^{(President Monson)"} 

"Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life and in the life to come."

"The best choice is a celestial marriage. Thankfully, if a lesser choice has previously been made, a choice can now be made to upgrade it to the best choice. That requires a mighty change of heart ^{(Alma 5:12–14, Moroni 10:32)} and a permanent personal upgrade."

"The full realization of the blessings of a temple marriage is almost beyond our mortal comprehension. Such a marriage will continue to grow in the celestial realm. There we can become perfected."

"Celestial marriage is a pivotal part of preparation for eternal life. It requires one to be married to the right person, in the right place, by the right authority, and to obey that sacred covenant faithfully. ^{(Bruce R. McConkie)} Then one may be assured of exaltation in the celestial kingdom of God. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Celestial Marriage 

Elder Russell M. Nelson
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Example of the Prophets

"We all know that marriage is challenging. A good marriage doesn’t just happen, it takes planning and doing. Even though it takes work, marriage is worth every ounce of the effort."

"Show your kids that marriage is fun, that it does work, that it is an eternal partnership.How will they know how to be happily married if they don’t see it at home?"

"Our current prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, married for 64 years, said,“Brethren, let’s treat our wives with dignity and with respect. They’re our eternal companions. Sisters, honor your husbands. They need to hear a good word. They need a friendly smile. They need a warm expression of true love.” (First Presidency Message, Ensign, Aug. 2011)"
“BE MINE” . . . and I Really Mean It

By Gary and Joy Lundberg

Becoming Equal Partners

"...the restored gospel teaches the eternal idea that husbands and wives are interdependent with each other. They are equal. They are partners."

"The incorrect idea in Christian history that wives should be dependent began with the false premise that the Fall of Adam and Eve was a tragic mistake and that Eve was the primary culprit. Thus women’s traditional submission to men was considered a fair punishment for Eve’s sin. ²

Thankfully, the Restoration clarifies Eve’s—and Adam’s—choice as essential to the eternal progression of God’s children. We honor rather than condemn what they did, and we see Adam and Eve as equal partners."

"...no one has the right to define gender-based roles."

"...pushed some women from being overly selfless to being overly selfish—causing them to miss the personal growth that can come only from self-chosen sacrifice, which makes possible a woman’s ability to thrive from nurturing all within her circle (see John 17:19)"

"Eve was Adam’s “help meet” (Genesis 2:18). The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam. She wasn’t his servant or his subordinate. And the Hebrew for help in “help meet” is ezer, a term meaning that Eve drew on heavenly powers when she supplied their marriage with the spiritual instincts uniquely available to women as a gender gift."

"Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to “rule over” Eve, but this doesn’t make Adam a dictator. A ruler can be a measuring tool that sets standards. Then Adam would live so that others may measure the rightness of their conduct by watching his. Being a ruler is not so much a privilege of power as an obligation to practice what a man preaches. Also, over in “rule over” uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over. If a man does exercise “dominion … in any degree of unrighteousness” (D&C 121:37; emphasis added), God terminates that man’s authority."

"She is to follow him [only] as he follows and obeys the Savior of the world, but in deciding [whether he is obeying Christ], she should always be sure she is fair.” ⁵ In this way, President Kimball saw marriage “as a full partnership,” stating, “We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners” but rather “a contributing and full partner.”

"In an equal-partner marriage, “love is not possession but participation … part of that co-creation which is our human calling.” ⁹ With true participation, husband and wife merge into the synergistic oneness of an “everlasting dominion” that “without compulsory means” will flow with spiritual life to them and their posterity “forever and ever” (D&C 121:46)."

"Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, nor are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go."

"Temple marriage covenants do not magically bring equality to a partnership. Those covenants commit us to a developmental process of learning and growing together—by practice."

"But equal partnerships are not made in heaven—they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time. And getting there is hard work—like patiently working through differing assumptions about who was bringing relief to whom that night or any of thousands of nights like it."

Crossing Thresholds andBecoming Equal Partners

By Elder Bruce C. Hafen

Of the Seventy and Marie K. Hafen

Come unto Christ

“Behold I say unto you, that as these things are true, and as the Lord God liveth, there is none other name given under heaven save it be this Jesus Christ, of which I have spoken, whereby man can be saved.”

"...if they would keep a covenant to obey the Savior’s commandments, He would keep His covenant with them to lead them toward eternal life."

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Come unto Christ
By President Henry B. Eyring

"In recent times, society has been plagued with a cancer from which few families have escaped."
"In the past 20 years, as homes and families have struggled to stay intact, sociological studies have revealed this alarming fact: much of the crime and many of the behavioral disorders in the United States come from homes where the father has abandoned the children."
"Fathers need to do the best they can to be the primary provider for physical and spiritual support. I state this with no reluctance because the Lord has revealed that this obligation is placed upon husbands. “Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance, until their husbands are taken.” ¹ Further, “all children have claim upon their parents for their maintenance until they are of age.” ² In addition, their spiritual welfare should be “brought to pass by the faith and covenant of their fathers.” ³ As regards little children, the Lord has promised “that great things may be required at the hand of their fathers.”
"each parent is necessary at various times in a child’s development."
"fathers also have a special role to play in building a child’s [self-respect]."
"Research also shows that fathers are critical in the establishment of gender in children. Interestingly, fatherly involvement produces stronger sexual identity and character in both boys and girls. It’s well established that the masculinity of sons and the femininity of daughters are each greater when fathers are active in family life."
"Parents in any marital situation have a duty to set aside personal differences and encourage each other’s righteous influence in the lives of their children."
"The priesthood is held in trust to be used to bless all of God’s children."
"Honoring the priesthood means following the example of Christ and seeking to emulate His example of fatherhood. It means constant concern and caring for one’s own flesh and blood. The man who holds the priesthood is to honor it by eternally cherishing, with absolute fidelity, his wife and the mother of his children. He is to extend lifelong care and concern for his children and their children."
"I urge husbands and fathers of this Church to be the kind of men your wives would not want to be without. I urge the sisters of this Church to be patient, loving, and understanding with their husbands. Those who enter into marriage should be fully prepared to establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives."
"It is destructive to the feeling essential for a happy marriage for either party to say to the other marriage partner, “I don’t need you.” This is particularly so because the counsel of the Savior was and is to become one flesh: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh[.] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh.”
^"It is far more difficult to be of one heart and mind than to be physically one. This unity of heart and mind is manifest in sincere expressions of “I appreciate you” and “I am proud of you.” Such domestic harmony results from forgiving and forgetting, essential elements of a maturing marriage relationship. Someone has said that we “should keep [our] eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.” True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day."
"Either partner who diminishes the divine role of the other in the presence of the children demeans the budding femininity within the daughters and the emerging manhood of the sons. I suppose there are always some honest differences between husband and wife, but let them be settled in private."
"at all costs couples should avoid covenant breaking. In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant."
"...marriage between man and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises."

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” ¹⁰

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, [and] to love their children.”

"...members of the Church have the most effective cure for our decaying family life. It is for men, women, and children to honor and respect the divine roles of both fathers and mothers in the home."

“This sealing power bestowed upon Elijah, is the power which binds husbands and wives, and children to parents for time and eternity. It is the binding power existing in every Gospel ordinance. … It was the mission of Elijah to come, and restore it so that the curse of confusion and disorder would not exist in the kingdom of God.”

"Perhaps we regard the power bestowed by Elijah as something associated only with formal ordinances performed in sacred places. But these ordinances become dynamic and productive of good only as they reveal themselves in our daily lives."

"The heart is the center of the emotions and a conduit for revelation. This sealing power thus reveals itself in family relationships, in attributes and virtues developed in a nurturing environment, and in loving service. These are the cords that bind families together, and the priesthood advances their development."

"I testify that the blessings of the priesthood, honored by fathers and husbands and revered by wives and children, can indeed cure the cancer that plagues our society. I plead with you fathers to magnify your priesthood calling; bless your families through this sacred influence, and experience the rewards promised by our Father and God."

Fathers, Mothers, Marriage

By President James E. Faust

Second Counselor in the First Presidency